Deep dive, a heavyweight diving-belt pulling me fast under the surface of water and within milliseconds I’m beneath where I was just a moment ago. My hearts’ beat begins to speed up, racing up like a crazy Intercity Train, blood’s pumping up to my head, making me feel dizzy. Mixed feelings of scarcity, relief and panic. It’s dark and I can’t see anything, the water is so thick that those last late-summer sunrays can’t come through. It happened so fast,
I could see it on a recording tape, although in reality it felt like an endless falling into the layers of abyss. I sense a hand pulling me fast up high from behind. I catch my breath as if it was my life’s very first one. I turn around to see if girls are still playing with Brigi on the bank. I haven’t noticed anything different. How much time have I spent under water? How long has it been?
I look at them with an amusement and a bit of shock. I’m shaking. I’m cold. The adrenaline hits high and I think…
They’re Safe. We’re safe. I’m alive.
Diving belt is being taken off of me, while at the end of my strength, I try to hold onto the pontoon. Scared and excited at the same time, I feel the adrenaline levels in my blood being still on high. Oh, I feel so high. I feel Dizzy. I feel the transformation within me rising and becoming the reality.
I flipped my long brown hair back into the water, lay my head back and put the body into a floating state. I could still hear everybody talking. I could hear them talking about this scene we just shot, however didn’t capture any specific words, it was as if they were rambling about.
I don’t know what I was hearing while completely submerged. We only had that one shot, one trial to get it right. Had it not have worked, I’d have to get dry again, do my hair an make up and we didn’t have the time to waste…
Floating, with my eyes closed, in this very moment I was contemplating upon what I really wanted in my life, what I could no longer accept, and what was I prepared to do in order to reach a peace state of mind I so very much needed.
Little did I know.
With my wishful thinking, in that very moment, began another seven years of karmic cycle.
The power of water, the magical, healing, manifesting and illuminating power of water, until this very day is still being underestimated and its values hidden or concealed from us. On a spiritual level – Water – is a pure emotion, and so it is also associated with and portrayed as emotions in Tarot Cards, Astrology and Clairvoyance. As water is always changing its shape and flowing, it has an ability to influence all surroundings and impact the molecular structures within. Until now I have only been partially aware of what influence water has upon us and I simply followed my pure basic instincts.
Having stayed in this present moment, fully clothed, drifting on its surface, suspended in time-space-reality, I surrendered, for a few minutes, all my thoughts, expectation and plans, and gave into the energies of this calm lake. There was this urge, piercing through my chest, the urge to give up. To give up everything I had, everything I possessed, my material goods, all I had earned with my hard work, all I had begun building. An urge to give up the ego and so-called “false ambitions”, the urge to give up and let go of all toxicity surrounding me.
And I knew it, I felt it to the bone. This was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. I had felt these strong emotions before, in the instance of composing ~Holy Water~ lyrics and the leading vocal melody. This time, however, during the music video shooting, it was as if the world has really begun to turn upside down for me.
I still clearly recall me siting outside on my balcony one afternoon. I’d made myself a large cup of coffee, lit the cigarette and opened the notebook where I kept all my lyrics and poems. I sat comfortably, took a few sips of still hot strong milky beverage, inhaled my minty tobacco and I froze in suspension, without any reason at all. I don’t recall thinking about anything in particular, I only remember feeling suspended in a peaceful way. I closed my eyes and sang quietly the first melody, the melody which would later have turned out to be, the leading melody in the song. Then suddenly the first couple of words came out of my mouth.
I hurriedly wrote everything down and before I’d finished putting it down on paper, more melody with lyrics followed. It felt as if something went right through me, from the top of my head, piercing and filling my entire body with this strange, unexplanatory and mysterious flow of energy, reaching every part of me, then coming out as a melody and lyrics. The images in my head followed… I saw funeral a-like scene, some very small chapel where a body of a young lady had been lay down to rest. The woman’s spirit was standing next to her physical deceased body, looking at it with grace. Then all the sudden, the Spirit walked towards a painting hanging on the wall, a painting which was portraying a small lake in the middle of the woods.
In the Video it was impossible for us to hang anything on the wall in this petite Chappel, not only because it was small, but because it was a historic, antique old Church under the construction protection. Therefore we used my wooden stand for the paintings.
Coming back to the story… she gently touched canvas with her right hand and within a second, she became a part of this piece of art, she became one with that beautiful scenery. Barefoot, strolling on the sand towards the calm water, she looked as if she was floating in the air with her long black dress and hooded cloak dancing to this mysterious melody. Slowly going deeper and deeper, taking a leap of faith, she went ahead saying:
“Holy Water here I come,
Wash out every inch,
I’m coming,
give you all I own…”
Gradually, peacefully, quietly she submerged under the surface, giving herself into the greater power of Universe, into the greater power of Aqua Pura. She took this leap of faith, as if she had already known, that this profound sacrifice she was making, was meant to give a birth to the new era and new beginnings. Intuitively, she knew that one must first let some things die in life in order to awaken into the unknown. Because you need to let go of the old, to make room for a new. You need to believe and be hopeful, that there is no dead-end situation and that there always is a solution. When ‘That Day’ comes when you are ready, you will know. Your soul will be thriving for it.
Only with Love, Peace and unconditional state of energy can we reach higher realms of consciousness.
When it finally happens to you, be aware of your fears in that very moment and fear not. Instead, understand, forgive and appreciate all that's been given, surrender to the higher powers, even if for a short time.
Emerging gently from the depth, as if something had pushed her out of the water, she appeared on the surface, dressed in a white long lacy dress. Pure and radiating light, illuminating from the heart of her astral body, heart chakra, was almost blinding. She reached the state of redemption. The sins have been washed away; the past left at the bottom of this dark lake of dreams. She has transformed into something undeniably beautiful, she transformed into a pure bliss. Coming out of the water, peacefully, confident, she gazed with enlightenment in her eyes.
Standing barefoot on the sandy bank, she turned around to take one last look at what was now behind her. She raised her hand, as if she wanted to touch the horizon and feel it from the distance, with her now, enlightened senses. She touched it. In a blink of an eye, the scenery changed and she was standing again in that very same chapel, with that very same paining in front of her.
She turned her head to the right, to see her old-Self lying peacefully, surrounded by the candlelight, holding red rose in her hands and resting it on her chest, sleeping in an infinitive state. Her Astral Self smiled and graciously began walking towards the doorway.
She was free now.
Her heart chakra, now fully awaken, overflowing with warm rays of a pure white light, illuminated. She became The Light.
Holy water here I come
Holy water all alone
Wash out every inch,
I’m coming, give you all I own
Holy water here I come
Going deep and deeper
For You can make me whole all over
Like I was once born
Would you once more
Bless my soul
Would you clear thoughts
With a ray of hope
For I have died hundred times and more
Would you once again bless my soul
Holy water here I come
All I need is you to pour
Just few drops into my cup
So I can drink it all
Holy Water begging please
Only you can save me if
My word falls apart and pieces
Throws out windy fate
Would you once more
Bless my soul…
*Holy Water - written acapella 25/04/2015
How long had I been in this trans of mine? I didn’t recall finishing my cigarette and coffee was long cold. Outside nothing changed. It must have been minutes, but if felt as if I had gone into this vision for a very long time. I felt tired and energised at the same time. Happy, sad, enlightened, confused and most definitely dizzy. I pulled my voice recording device and recorded the entire acapella song. I didn’t want to forget any parts of the melody or lyrics which came to me. I was wondering what had happened to me. It didn’t feel like I composed this song, it felt as if I had just channelled something greater than me.
While giving myself into those calm waves of the lake, rocking me like a baby, I’d sensed pure wholeness surrounding my body. I recall the voices getting louder as I was gradually coming back to my senses and waking up. Adrenaline levels dropped down. I was ready to move on with the rest of our endeavour. It was time for me to come out of the water, change the costume, hug my girls and review the Video shots. I was content. What was about to have happened, was inescapable.
Making a Music Video on a very small budget was not as challenging as many would have imagined it to be. The greatest challenges and obstacles mostly come from people, in which you put your trust into. I consider myself very lucky, although I lived through many hardships in my life.
Having had a clear vision on what this music video should look like I contacted some professionals I knew and walked them through all ideas. Sadly and to my great disappointment replies I’d received ware: “not possible”, “it’s not gonna work”, “shooting in the water?".
Nope, you won’t get the effect you aspire to”, “that’s quite ambitious”....
This triggered me big time. Not my ambition or ego, it triggered my creative self as an artist and entrepreneur. I thought to myself:
“How can people these days still have blinders on? How come in the country of great Entrepreneurs and Innovative Thinkers there are so many closed-minded ones?”
This truly triggered me and my reaction to it was…
“Well if they say it can’t be done, let’s prove them wrong!”
Lucky enough, in that particular time of my life, there also ware a couple of people by my side, who believed in my vision, who believed in this project, and without whom, this work of art would not have seen a day light.
I decided to direct the Video myself and co-edit it later. I wrote the script and was ready to commence. To make the scenes more interesting, building up and telling the story of the song I’d decided to invite to this video musicians I worked with on the other projects.
We shot all the scenes at the lake with three video cameras, from three different angles, and with two photo cameras capturing single images. Recording scenes at the chapel had to wait until we were sure to have found the right one, matching my script and the vision. Almost six months apart between the shootings gave me enough time to review it all and plan further.
All the sudden there it was, hidden in the woods, an old chapel, big enough to fit maybe ten people. Refusing to wait any longer, I decided to proceed with the project, not even bothered that it was indeed middle of January. It was cold, it was very cold.
I am that kind of person, who doesn’t take low temperatures easily, and freezes all the time. My blood pressure is mostly on the low, so it was another big challenge for me. Clothed in the same costumes which I had on at the lake in September, shivering, I found it very difficult to hold my breath, while camera was rolling, filming me laying on the bank, playing the “dead me”. Halfway through it I was close to quitting. It was freezing. A friend of mine made me tea with rum, to cheer my low blood pressure up, and help me gain more energy again. My ex-husband was rubbing my naked feet, so cold and numb from muscle contractions.
We were rolling again. The last couple of scenes’ shooting followed. This time it all went fast. We filmed the Chappel on the outside, the boys’ playing guitars, and a couple of hours later we could wrap it up and gather at the large table at the Old Mill. The food was good, fresh, it tasted familiar and for a moment I felt as if I was at my Grandparent’s’ place, so warm and cosy. We discussed all the work we’d just finished, the entire process which will have followed and exchanged our individual experiences from the video shooting. We also had a glimpse at the Photos taken by Gareth, we all agreed straight away… there were some brilliant shots among the thousands of pictures, which he took that day.
Part of the video, which we recorded indoors, in the larger evangelical church in Langen town, also in Germany, was the very last one, closing this part of production. Thanks, to the fact, that since some time I had been actively singing with an evangelical choir at that very same church, helped me immensely to proceed with my vision. Having talked to the pastor himself, explaining the spiritual roots of the lyrics and the reasons for the song and video making, I was granted a permission to proceed.
The entire creative process, song- and scriptwriting, planning, video shooting, editing, made me understand the reasons why I was actually doing it for. As if, all this time, I had unconsciously, still buried in the past events, wanted to free myself from what had still been burdening me. And I knew what it was. I knew exactly what it was. I will never forget the worlds which Inga spoke to me, while dying. It had surely been less than a month before she passed away, when with tears in her eyes she said:
“I regret…”
I looked at her face slowly getting covered with tears, I looked into her eyes full of hopelessness.
I sat with her in this, holding her hand and simply being there for her. I sat quietly and listened…
Sitting on the side of her bed, seeing her body disappear bit by bit every day,
I had some sort of déjà vu. Déjà vu of losing the loved ones before. I wasn’t going to be sorry for myself, this was not about me. Yes, I was devastated knowing that I am losing my best friend, a person I confided in, someone who really understood me. But this wasn’t about me.
She was the one who made me feel special and significant. She told me the stories, no one knew. She spoke to me about her entire life, about her childhood, first unfulfilled teenage love, marriage, motherhood, dreams and aspirations she never reached. We could talk for hours, never getting bored of what another had to say.
We knew each other’s secrets.
And so, to hear her saying it for the first time – out loud - , that she was regretting something, when she sensed her life was being close to an end, hit me hard. She felt it, she knew, although we never told her how little time she had left, she did know indeed… there was not much time left for her.
There were regrets of things never have done, words which have never been said, risks not taken, and the chances not given to oneself. It was regret of fears taking over the mind, of fears controlling her life, fears blocking her prosperous future and fulfilling life. Fears of proceeding further with her career, fears to admitting to and confiding in her first true love, fears of following the passions. Having known her for many years now, listening to her confessions, holding her hand tightly and crying with her at the same time, I remained quiet and just listened. I didn’t judge her. I didn’t have an opinion on the experiences she had made and those she never reached. I simply sat there in her presence.
I had been on maternity leave and my little Natalia was only 2 weeks old when we received a phone call. Inga - My Ex-Mother-in-Law had jaundice. In less than a week I had Natalia’s passport delivered to me and before she turned 4 weeks, we were already in Poland, in Wroclaw. The rest of my maternity leave I had spent, not only looking after my two small children, but primarily looking after my dear friend - Ingeborga. Pancreas cancer was a cruel one and seeing someone, who had always been so close to my heart, disappear slowly each day, changed me for ever.
And so when she said:
“I regret, I didn’t follow my heart.”
I felt her pain. I felt every word she said, every tear that fell from her eyes.
I felt it sharply piercing through my heart. Indescribable. All I could do for her, was to sit with her in this, to be there. All I could do, was to make sure, that these last couple of weeks, were as easy, stressless and peaceful, as possible.It was hard playing cool, whilst crumbling inside, it was hard trying to stay strong for her, while dying inside.
On the day of her funeral, I got a breakdown. I don’t recall much happening back then. I only remember two befriended older ladies, who came to look after my girls, while I was busy with preparations and all the guests. People were arriving from the very early hours from all over the country. Everybody was chatting, cheerfully discussing their lives, talking about their professional and personal achievements, children succeeding at school, career blossoming, people getting engaged, divorced… One person after another began asking me for a coffee and I was trying to make them all feel welcome and at home…
And that’s when I lost my shit. I don’t remember what happened exactly.
I lost a couple of hours of my day.
None of them people who have come to the funeral, not a one person had found time to visit Inga during all this time when she was struggling. No one had found time to call, just to cheer her up. And now all of them wanted to be served with a coffee, with sugar, without sugar, black with cream…
I lost it!
Having still had in my mind those regretful words Inga had said to me, made me realize, that we are here on earth in order to overcome our own fears and blockages. We often stand still paralyzed by the choices we need to make in life. By not making a choice actively, we also decide, however in a passive way. What if, instead of drowning ourselves in worries and helpless thoughts, we’d choose ‘and’, instead of having to go ‘either’ / ‘or’, we’d go ‘AND’.
Instead of sacrificing our options, we’d be more open-minded.
This sad experience showed me that what's really holding us back and holding us down more than anything else, are our own fears.
Fears of challenging ourselves,
fears of beginning something new,
fears of unknown,
fears of failure,
fears of disappointment,
fears of being judged,
fears of what we're really capable of.
Fears of our full potential.
Understanding it gave me another view and different perspective on what and how I should further live my life. I realized, that having fears in your life doesn’t mean you should give into them, and it certainly doesn’t mean, you should listen to those fearful thoughts. You should definitely respect them, hear into them, and find the root cause of their presence. You should treat them as an opponent, who is smart enough to outrun you, if you only lose your focus.
An opponent, who also wants to win this battle, this war over your existence, who wants you to stay in your comfort zone and let you proceed with what you already know. He wants you to be comfortable where you are, on the greener side, never risking too much.
I have had many fears in my life and now, when I look back, I can honestly admit, that every single time, after deciding upon facing each and every one of them with an approach:
"Fear it and do it anyway“!
I learned something new about myself and began looking with a softer eye at the things which life throws at us. I began to understand those above and ahead of me, and I deepened my compassion for those still struggling with their fears.
"Fear it and do it anyway! Don't waste opportunities. Time Is Precious!”
Over the years I also learned how to forgive myself for being naive, blindly believing in what I had been taught about us, about who we are, what our purpose is and how we should or shouldn’t live our lives. I learned to trust my instincts and open up to the unknown.
Most of the time we are looking for a forgiveness in someone else’s eyes – but we really need to forgive ourselves first…and we need wash our thoughts and mind and clear it out.
“Holy Water” as a personification of …whatever I need to make me feel better about myself, about other things and people… or maybe it’s just The Holy Water…washing out the ‘sins’, past experiences, toxic relationships and hidden hopes we carry. I leave an interpretation of this creation open, as everybody understands and feels art in their own unique way.
Water, Holy Water… with all its attributes and essence has an authority higher than we can ever imagine.
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